Guidelines for Seeking Deeper Relationships

In thinking about friendships, I was reminded about qualities that I enjoy about my marriage. I think that in seeking both good relationships with people both in friendship and eventually in marriage, you will find certain qualities will show up. First, here are some of my assumptions:

1. God does not send us into confusion. He is a God of peace.Although we may be unclear about many things and may have our troubles and struggles, his voice is a calming and centering, making clear the next step.
2. Ultimately, God is not interested in what we accomplish, but in the sort of person we are becoming.  As we go through difficulties and ask our questions, he will lead us in such a way that we become more like Jesus internally as well as externally. This means he leads us into a path where we will confidently trust him.
3. I believe we can determine the "rightness" of external circumstances by the "rightness" of internal leadings and outcomes.  In short, the way of righteousness will be governed by hearing God's voice and will bring about more love for him and others.

Right now you are exploring, evaluating, and enjoying a shared social existence with other people. Your social context is part of your soul. In sharing it you create relationships, places where your souls are interacting. As you relate, you will find these relationships will generally aid or distract you from your life in Christ.

As intimacy increases, the sharing has begun to include other parts of your life as well: your bodies, your minds, and your hearts. As a relationship grows, it begins to have a life of its own. The way you are when you're together. The kinds of things you do. The kinds of plans you make. That life consists of experiences.

As you continue to look at your experiences, if you are following God's calling individually as well as together, I think you will find yourselves:

• Seeking to know Christ as he is particularly through Bible reading/study/meditation.
• Seeking to know Christ's voice as he speaks to you in prayer.
• Living a sacred life together, where all things are from God, with God, and for God.
• Living a supernatural life, where you sense and rely on the Spirit regularly.
• The outcome (not the goal) of such living is a blameless, moral life of holiness.
• Another outcome of such living is a compassionate life of caring for other people.

Of course all these things don't come all at once, but you should sense their growth in God-honoring and God-led relationships.

As far as for deeper relationships in particular, I think three areas are good to note:

1. In your spiritual life you can pray together, and worship together with others.
2. In your intimacy, you enjoy deep conversations and find each other delightful and attractive or interesting.
3. In everyday life, you laugh and play together, and can work well together.

In searching for deeper friendships, I think you may be able to use these areas to discover people you really can connect with. You can seek one area in a group or event and pay extra attention to people you have further connections with.

For instance, you may seek a church or small group where you can pray with individuals and worship well corporately.  In the midst of such a group, you might look for connections with people in everyday life, like playing, laughing, and working together.  Or you may find someone particularly attractive or interesting in conversation. You may go to an event that you find to be fun and then look for people that you connect with with spiritually or in intimacy.  Or you may meet someone in a place that you can connect with rather easily in intimacy and you have further times with them to find out if you connect in everyday life and in your spirituality.

How this works out varies, but basically I think you put make yourself present at various occasions or in various groups where you share an interest spiritually or in everyday life. In the context of the group you look further for people you can share with in other ways. I think you can find special people this way.

Search out spiritual groups where you can pray or worship.  Look for a group that shares your laughter, your play, or your work.  Pay attention if someone grabs your interest in conversation or as interesting or attractive. Then as you go, look for other connections with those people.  Many times you will not find more connections, but you may still want to be in a group or keep good conversation going with certain people anyway. Not every friendship has to be a deep one. However, don't give up looking for really good friendships or anticipating meeting your future spouse. It will happen and it will be something that is both a "revelation" and a discovery.

The Long Ad

Commercials and ads have found their way onto YouTube and Facebook so that whatever is free isn't exactly free anymore.  Media seems to always drift into advertising as its primary goal.  When I have subjected myself to these ads, I find that the bottom line is my attention.  The advertiser does not care what I think of the product, but only that I think of the product.  Whatever silliness, lies, sexual innuendo, or supposed seriousness will get my attention is what must be pushed onto the screen before my eyes and ears in order to occupy some of my mental landscape.  Fill the mind, get the heart.  This is a good picture of how the world works.  One big, long ad.

For this people's heart has grown dull, and with their ears they can barely hear, and their eyes they have closed, lest they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears and understand with their heart and turn, and I would heal them.’  (Matthew 11:13)

I think of Jesus sitting and eating with tax collectors and prostitutes.  He must have seen and heard all kinds of things, many not particularly good.  It did not seem to matter to him what he saw, but what he sought.  Looking would not make him sin, but what he was looking for.  In this I see how he had mastered being in the world, but not of it.  What we see does not matter much, only what we seek.

The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!  (Matthew 6:22-23)

I think of Jesus listening to all sorts of questions and accusations concerning himself and his work.  Not only were people skeptical, they were trying to trip him up in his words and catch him doing something wrong.  He heard them, but he did not listen to them.  Many voices came to him, but the only one he heeded was the voice of his Father speaking to him and through others.  What we hear does not matter much, only what we take to heart.  "Take care then how you hear, for to the one who has, more will be given, and from the one who has not, even what he thinks that he has will be taken away."  (Luke 8:18)

For some people every comment, question, or statement has to do with some theological controversy, some political bend, or some new diet or health trend.  Certain words or favorite quotes or songs or hobbies will indicate whether the person is "for us or against us."  People with minds consumed with such ideas lie and wait for something to prove whether a person is reliable and right or untrustworthy and wrong by their use or misuse of certain "code words."  The burning question in their minds is "Are you for us or against us?"  Then they know how to deal with you.  Such a life has been filled up with reactions so there is not any room left for any real actions.  "They preach, but do not practice. . . .  They do all their deeds to be seen by others."  (Matthew 23:2-3)

When we are in the world but not of it, we see, hear, and react to all sorts of things, many of them not of God.  But those many things that come pounding down upon us do not necessarily decide in themselves what we will seek, what we will take to heart, or what our actions will be.  What will make the difference is what we look for, what we listen for, and how we act when no one else cares.

Jesus looked for the Father at work and joined him there.  Jesus listened for his Father's voice for comfort and direction and authority.  Jesus acted when the time was ripe and right, both personally and in his whole earthly vocation.  It is not what we look at, but what we look for.  It is not what we listen to, but what we listen for.  It is not how we react to people and events, but what we do when no one else cares what we are doing.  When our attention is on Jesus and his Father, then we can be in the world, but not of it.  "Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."  (Matthew 6:19-20)