Guidelines for Seeking Deeper Relationships

In thinking about friendships, I was reminded about qualities that I enjoy about my marriage. I think that in seeking both good relationships with people both in friendship and eventually in marriage, you will find certain qualities will show up. First, here are some of my assumptions:

1. God does not send us into confusion. He is a God of peace.Although we may be unclear about many things and may have our troubles and struggles, his voice is a calming and centering, making clear the next step.
2. Ultimately, God is not interested in what we accomplish, but in the sort of person we are becoming.  As we go through difficulties and ask our questions, he will lead us in such a way that we become more like Jesus internally as well as externally. This means he leads us into a path where we will confidently trust him.
3. I believe we can determine the "rightness" of external circumstances by the "rightness" of internal leadings and outcomes.  In short, the way of righteousness will be governed by hearing God's voice and will bring about more love for him and others.

Right now you are exploring, evaluating, and enjoying a shared social existence with other people. Your social context is part of your soul. In sharing it you create relationships, places where your souls are interacting. As you relate, you will find these relationships will generally aid or distract you from your life in Christ.

As intimacy increases, the sharing has begun to include other parts of your life as well: your bodies, your minds, and your hearts. As a relationship grows, it begins to have a life of its own. The way you are when you're together. The kinds of things you do. The kinds of plans you make. That life consists of experiences.

As you continue to look at your experiences, if you are following God's calling individually as well as together, I think you will find yourselves:

• Seeking to know Christ as he is particularly through Bible reading/study/meditation.
• Seeking to know Christ's voice as he speaks to you in prayer.
• Living a sacred life together, where all things are from God, with God, and for God.
• Living a supernatural life, where you sense and rely on the Spirit regularly.
• The outcome (not the goal) of such living is a blameless, moral life of holiness.
• Another outcome of such living is a compassionate life of caring for other people.

Of course all these things don't come all at once, but you should sense their growth in God-honoring and God-led relationships.

As far as for deeper relationships in particular, I think three areas are good to note:

1. In your spiritual life you can pray together, and worship together with others.
2. In your intimacy, you enjoy deep conversations and find each other delightful and attractive or interesting.
3. In everyday life, you laugh and play together, and can work well together.

In searching for deeper friendships, I think you may be able to use these areas to discover people you really can connect with. You can seek one area in a group or event and pay extra attention to people you have further connections with.

For instance, you may seek a church or small group where you can pray with individuals and worship well corporately.  In the midst of such a group, you might look for connections with people in everyday life, like playing, laughing, and working together.  Or you may find someone particularly attractive or interesting in conversation. You may go to an event that you find to be fun and then look for people that you connect with with spiritually or in intimacy.  Or you may meet someone in a place that you can connect with rather easily in intimacy and you have further times with them to find out if you connect in everyday life and in your spirituality.

How this works out varies, but basically I think you put make yourself present at various occasions or in various groups where you share an interest spiritually or in everyday life. In the context of the group you look further for people you can share with in other ways. I think you can find special people this way.

Search out spiritual groups where you can pray or worship.  Look for a group that shares your laughter, your play, or your work.  Pay attention if someone grabs your interest in conversation or as interesting or attractive. Then as you go, look for other connections with those people.  Many times you will not find more connections, but you may still want to be in a group or keep good conversation going with certain people anyway. Not every friendship has to be a deep one. However, don't give up looking for really good friendships or anticipating meeting your future spouse. It will happen and it will be something that is both a "revelation" and a discovery.