Although I've been talking with my daughter for a while about dating, we have now come to a place where we've really "hit the road" as far as dating is concerned. We wanted to find a way of getting to know people of the opposite gender without endangering purity or anticipating marriage any time soon. What follows is a discussion about that.My wife, Dawn, and I have done quite a bit of reading on the subject, looking for some way of looking at the situation better than our dating paradigm from our own school experience. We've read a number of books on dating and courting, but have not liked what we found entirely.
In a nutshell, dating puts young men and women into a situation where the main question they ask and deal with is, "How far should/can we go in physical intimacy?" With courtship, the problem of physical intimacy is dealt with by establishing commitment prior to any physical intimacy. Unfortunately, if commitment must be established first, the relationship is unnatural and stunted by the commitment that presses down on it before it can even develop. It sets up an artificial situation not unlike an arranged marriage. Dating encourages getting to know a person in a more natural, informal way, but without commitment, it usually becomes "Kiss first, then deal with relationship and commitment."
In order to deal with this quandary, we wanted to find another option. We wanted something for our minds to hold on to that could serve as a general guide to the whole "dating game." I draw on some ideas from Richard Foster's The Challenge of the Disciplined Life in order to deal with this.
I divided relationships into three areas: knowing someone, commitment to someone, and physical intimacy with someone. The division is helpful for understanding the dynamics of relationships, but creates division where there is none. All of these aspects coexist, even in friendships. They grow together and simultaneously. They cannot be fully separated. Physical intimacy in a friendship may be very limited compared to a marriage, but it does exist.
Basically, in the dating most people experience, people start with physical intimacy followed by getting to know each other and finally dealing with commitment. "Kiss first, talk later (or maybe never)" may be a good picture of this type of relationship. In this way people end up dating people they may not even like, or physically intimate with a person they do not know. This is pretty standard fare in TV and movies and makes for some funny and tragic situations, but in real life, it is mostly tragic.
In the courting experience, it seems (I have never been a part of this, but have observed a few situations and read about it) that people begin with commitment followed by getting to know each other and ending with physical intimacy. This is not surprising. It is a complete reversal of the dating relationship. Unfortunately, beginning with commitment stunts relationship and even discourages it from happening because of the weight of commitment. How can people get to know each other informally if they know that everything they say and do will be scrutinized in light of a marriage relationship? Bringing the commitment before the knowing a person creates a barrier to getting to know them and finding our whether they even want a commitment. But this courtship gets right, commitment must come before physical intimacy.
There seems to be an apparent contradiction here. I wrote earlier that knowing, intimacy, and commitment all grow together, but then I started putting them in order. The question becomes then, what is their interrelationship? Well, the peak of physical intimacy - sex - is reserved for those already committed to life together - marriage. "Keep the marriage bed pure" is a warning not to do anything you don't want to explain to your spouse (or her parents) later. So it seems decisions about commitment precede physical intimacy.
Physical intimacy is meant for people who know each other. The sin of lust is impersonal. Lust is looking at or thinking of someone with the intention of arousing oneself. Knowing someone deeply tends to curb lust because it brings sympathy and empathy and even love, which wants the other person's good more than self-satisfaction. So knowing a person precedes physical intimacy with that person.
Commitment has to do with one's choice, therefore, one's freedom. When we feel pushed into commitment without our own choice, we feel violated. We do not make real commitments without knowing what we are getting into. We think it foolish to choose to buy something without first doing a little "research." How much more does this apply to relationships? Certainly it will weed out the "bad eggs," but it will also save people from keeping what they do not want or having to make a "return." "Count the cost" is more than just a religious saying, it describes a well-thought out life. This is not so much looking for problems, but finding out if you want to know the person deeply. Know each other first before choosing commitment.
So it seems that the order that comes from this discussion is get to know each other, make commitments appropriate to that knowledge, and then develop intimacy that fits the commitment. The main work of young men and women who know they want marriage is to seek to know people of the opposite gender. If they start there and do it well, commitments will become obvious. (Note that a commitment is not a series of impassioned statements, but a series of life style changes.) From commitment, physical intimacy flows. Such intimacy is the easiest part of relationship. Almost all problems with physical intimacy have to do with problems of knowing each other and proper commitment. Having "not even a hint of sexual immorality" is the principle worth following to ensure a healthy relationship, whether marriage, dating, or friendship.
So how can a person get to know other people? I suppose most fundamentally, ask. Ask questions and listen carefully to their answers. Let your interest in them be one of your guides. If you want to know them, then get to know them by asking. The questions need not always be deep or serious, but real to you.
Begin by doing things with them in groups. Pay attention (without staring) to what they say and do, particularly about their family and friends. Do things with them in groups of mutual friends or acquaintances.
At that point you may be ready to get to know them more personally and individually. Admit you want to get to know them better and set some time up to talk, walk, or eat together. Email or chat may also be appropriate, but is less personal, revealing, or interesting than direct conversation. You could also read a book together or simultaneously. Watching movies can be okay, but because of its connotations, its best to do that in a non-dating group. No talk of commitment is necessary even at this point.
Usually talks about commitment need to come up when both people begin to desire physical intimacy of some kind. Not uncommon is a commitment to remain "just friends" until they know each other better. There are many reasons desires for physical intimacy comes early, mostly having to do with training and expectations from the world around them. Do not hurry getting to know someone. Hurry in a person is a bad sign.
Commitments made from "counting the cost" take into account a lot more than personal desire. Wanting something now is a bad basis for a commitment. True commitment is patient. It waits. It is not passive, however. Commitment works toward a goal and for the sake of a goal. A commitment in a relationship is a shared goal. It has direction and push, but also considers the other person at every point and waits for them. Such work together is what love is made out of. Intimacy is the fruit of such love, not the cause of it.
Relationships do not develop along perfect lines and boundaries. What I write is a hope for something better than the guidelines that are out there now. It is sketchy and experimental. However, it outlines some resolutions I want for my kids and other young people. I want them to delight in people and not worry about marriage. Good marriage most often comes to people who want to know someone else and be known by them. Commitment keeps that space of knowing safe. Physical intimacy keeps that knowledge real and tied to life. I want to protect their "purity" as well, but keeping in mind that purity is far more than abstinence as much as marriage is far more than sex. A pure life comes from a pure heart. A pure heart comes from a person devoted to God and his way of loving. I want my kids and others young people to learn how to get to know other people deeply first and foremost for marriage as well as for family and friendships.
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