A Right Relationship to God

Are we prepared to leave ourselves resolutely alone and to launch out into the priestly work of prayer?  The continual grubbing on the inside to see whether we are what we ought to be generates a self-centered, morbid type of Christianity, not the robust, simple life of a child of God.  Until we get into a right relationship to God, it is a case of hanging on by the skin of our teeth, as we say.  (Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, June 21)

Recently I had one of my "feel sorry for myself" episodes.   I have trouble with the prayer of examen at times.  When I look closely at my conscience and the desires I struggle with, I am appalled.  I think one reason is that I am hoping for a cure more than for God's grace; I want to be free from the things that tie me to God's mercy.  At the heart of it, I think I get angry because I cannot achieve autonomy more than being sorry for my sins.  I become increasingly self-centered and morbid in these moods.

The encouragement to leave myself "resolutely alone" reminds me that my even if my goal is merely to get better and grow stronger, I will not get anywhere without God at my side.  I was not made to "go it alone."  I was made to be in a close conversational relationship with God.  Jesus as the Son of Man, the ideal person, shows this in his life and words.  Everything he does is done with the Father at his side - and he has no sin in his life.

Actually, this is the essence of freedom from sin: living with the Father at my side.  Sin is merely what I do when I do not live this way.  Sins are the particular things I do in order to try to live without the Father on my own steam.  They are indicators of what my life is like without the Father.

The answer, then, is not looking inside and trying to figure out how I can get rid of sin so I can get back to God.  Since the source of my sins is distance from God, I cannot fix them apart from seeking the "right relationship" with him, a relationship of trust and continual interaction.  Like marriage, my relationship with God is repaired and deepened with the right kind of relationship with God.  Marriage is not what I do for my wife or how I think about her as much as what we do together.  Like family, my relationship with God is not merely something I work for, but something I must participate in and enjoy.  Family is not what I bring home for my kids or what opportunities I give them as much as how we live together and love each other.  A "right" relationship with God is not what I do for God or what I think about him as much as how we do life together, as a Father and son, or as a master and apprentice.

My sins, then are my efforts to live apart from this relationship and replace it with another kind.  Sins are the cracks and empty places in my life where God needs to be in order for my life to be restored and full.  Maybe I need to think about God less and exercise my fondness for him.  Maybe I need to do less for him and do more with him.  The greatest danger to my relationship with God, I think, is my service to God.  My sins tell the story.

Lord, I get knotted up inside when I try to fix myself apart from seeking you.  I will seek you, O God; your face will I seek.  In being with you as a Father, I know I will find repair and restoration.  I will find myself safe and sound in that relationship.  Instead of seeking to please you, help me to trust you more and walk with you consistently through this day and each day.  Amen.