Guidelines for Seeking Deeper Relationships

In thinking about friendships, I was reminded about qualities that I enjoy about my marriage. I think that in seeking both good relationships with people both in friendship and eventually in marriage, you will find certain qualities will show up. First, here are some of my assumptions:

1. God does not send us into confusion. He is a God of peace.Although we may be unclear about many things and may have our troubles and struggles, his voice is a calming and centering, making clear the next step.
2. Ultimately, God is not interested in what we accomplish, but in the sort of person we are becoming.  As we go through difficulties and ask our questions, he will lead us in such a way that we become more like Jesus internally as well as externally. This means he leads us into a path where we will confidently trust him.
3. I believe we can determine the "rightness" of external circumstances by the "rightness" of internal leadings and outcomes.  In short, the way of righteousness will be governed by hearing God's voice and will bring about more love for him and others.

Right now you are exploring, evaluating, and enjoying a shared social existence with other people. Your social context is part of your soul. In sharing it you create relationships, places where your souls are interacting. As you relate, you will find these relationships will generally aid or distract you from your life in Christ.

As intimacy increases, the sharing has begun to include other parts of your life as well: your bodies, your minds, and your hearts. As a relationship grows, it begins to have a life of its own. The way you are when you're together. The kinds of things you do. The kinds of plans you make. That life consists of experiences.

As you continue to look at your experiences, if you are following God's calling individually as well as together, I think you will find yourselves:

• Seeking to know Christ as he is particularly through Bible reading/study/meditation.
• Seeking to know Christ's voice as he speaks to you in prayer.
• Living a sacred life together, where all things are from God, with God, and for God.
• Living a supernatural life, where you sense and rely on the Spirit regularly.
• The outcome (not the goal) of such living is a blameless, moral life of holiness.
• Another outcome of such living is a compassionate life of caring for other people.

Of course all these things don't come all at once, but you should sense their growth in God-honoring and God-led relationships.

As far as for deeper relationships in particular, I think three areas are good to note:

1. In your spiritual life you can pray together, and worship together with others.
2. In your intimacy, you enjoy deep conversations and find each other delightful and attractive or interesting.
3. In everyday life, you laugh and play together, and can work well together.

In searching for deeper friendships, I think you may be able to use these areas to discover people you really can connect with. You can seek one area in a group or event and pay extra attention to people you have further connections with.

For instance, you may seek a church or small group where you can pray with individuals and worship well corporately.  In the midst of such a group, you might look for connections with people in everyday life, like playing, laughing, and working together.  Or you may find someone particularly attractive or interesting in conversation. You may go to an event that you find to be fun and then look for people that you connect with with spiritually or in intimacy.  Or you may meet someone in a place that you can connect with rather easily in intimacy and you have further times with them to find out if you connect in everyday life and in your spirituality.

How this works out varies, but basically I think you put make yourself present at various occasions or in various groups where you share an interest spiritually or in everyday life. In the context of the group you look further for people you can share with in other ways. I think you can find special people this way.

Search out spiritual groups where you can pray or worship.  Look for a group that shares your laughter, your play, or your work.  Pay attention if someone grabs your interest in conversation or as interesting or attractive. Then as you go, look for other connections with those people.  Many times you will not find more connections, but you may still want to be in a group or keep good conversation going with certain people anyway. Not every friendship has to be a deep one. However, don't give up looking for really good friendships or anticipating meeting your future spouse. It will happen and it will be something that is both a "revelation" and a discovery.

The Long Ad

Commercials and ads have found their way onto YouTube and Facebook so that whatever is free isn't exactly free anymore.  Media seems to always drift into advertising as its primary goal.  When I have subjected myself to these ads, I find that the bottom line is my attention.  The advertiser does not care what I think of the product, but only that I think of the product.  Whatever silliness, lies, sexual innuendo, or supposed seriousness will get my attention is what must be pushed onto the screen before my eyes and ears in order to occupy some of my mental landscape.  Fill the mind, get the heart.  This is a good picture of how the world works.  One big, long ad.

For this people's heart has grown dull, and with their ears they can barely hear, and their eyes they have closed, lest they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears and understand with their heart and turn, and I would heal them.’  (Matthew 11:13)

I think of Jesus sitting and eating with tax collectors and prostitutes.  He must have seen and heard all kinds of things, many not particularly good.  It did not seem to matter to him what he saw, but what he sought.  Looking would not make him sin, but what he was looking for.  In this I see how he had mastered being in the world, but not of it.  What we see does not matter much, only what we seek.

The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!  (Matthew 6:22-23)

I think of Jesus listening to all sorts of questions and accusations concerning himself and his work.  Not only were people skeptical, they were trying to trip him up in his words and catch him doing something wrong.  He heard them, but he did not listen to them.  Many voices came to him, but the only one he heeded was the voice of his Father speaking to him and through others.  What we hear does not matter much, only what we take to heart.  "Take care then how you hear, for to the one who has, more will be given, and from the one who has not, even what he thinks that he has will be taken away."  (Luke 8:18)

For some people every comment, question, or statement has to do with some theological controversy, some political bend, or some new diet or health trend.  Certain words or favorite quotes or songs or hobbies will indicate whether the person is "for us or against us."  People with minds consumed with such ideas lie and wait for something to prove whether a person is reliable and right or untrustworthy and wrong by their use or misuse of certain "code words."  The burning question in their minds is "Are you for us or against us?"  Then they know how to deal with you.  Such a life has been filled up with reactions so there is not any room left for any real actions.  "They preach, but do not practice. . . .  They do all their deeds to be seen by others."  (Matthew 23:2-3)

When we are in the world but not of it, we see, hear, and react to all sorts of things, many of them not of God.  But those many things that come pounding down upon us do not necessarily decide in themselves what we will seek, what we will take to heart, or what our actions will be.  What will make the difference is what we look for, what we listen for, and how we act when no one else cares.

Jesus looked for the Father at work and joined him there.  Jesus listened for his Father's voice for comfort and direction and authority.  Jesus acted when the time was ripe and right, both personally and in his whole earthly vocation.  It is not what we look at, but what we look for.  It is not what we listen to, but what we listen for.  It is not how we react to people and events, but what we do when no one else cares what we are doing.  When our attention is on Jesus and his Father, then we can be in the world, but not of it.  "Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."  (Matthew 6:19-20)

The Curse of Superficiality

Superficiality is the curse of our age.  The doctrine of instant satisfaction is a primary spiritual problem.  The desperate need today is not for a great number of intelligent people, or gifted people, but for deep people.  (Richard Foster, Celebration of Discipline)

I have glossed over this introductory statement in Foster's book many times.  I am afraid that I have usually thought of it in superficial ways.  I have thought of it mostly individualistically, as a way to my own deeper growth.  I have looked at it with hurry, scanning over the ideas so I can get deeper quickly.  Ironic, isn't it?  I can be superficial about getting deeper.

The last couple of times I have found that first phrase rather poignant.  When I think of the blessings and curses pronounced in Deuteronomy 28, I see that this "curse of our age" seems to explain a lot of things.  Curses are the opposite of blessings.  When something is blessed, a lot of good comes from relatively little effort.  That's grace.  With a curse, very little good comes from inordinate amounts of effort.   That's the flesh at work.  Superficiality is a whole lot of work generating very little good.

The particular face of of our curse, according to Foster, is superficiality.  It is a resistance to the depths of life.  As another modern writer puts it,

It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased. (C. S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory)

 The curse is that we find our desire too weak to carry us beyond the shallows of human existence.  We long for more than what we are given in life, but cannot obtain it, because the superficiality takes us to the wrong places in the wrong ways.

The Primary Doctrine

The primary teaching that supports the curse is one of "instant gratification."  The teaching is that instant gratification is the ideal circumstance, the best outcome, the only real goal. We want answers now.  We want things fixed yesterday.  The bigger, faster, more intense it can be, the better it must be.  Unfortunately the first part of the doctrine, "instant," flies in the face of one of the most basic rules in a deeper life: "Love is patient."  Love and the deeper life may be patient and only comes through patience, but we see impatience is the current road to "happiness and fulfillment."

Another problem with the current prevalent doctrine is that of gratification.  Life is gratification and nothing else in our current culture.  "What do you really feel like?  What do you really want?"  These questions are often the deepest ones asked when dealing with marriage, vocation, and even morality.  Unfortunately they happen to be the same questions asked at the front of a fast food line as well.  When life comes to a halt, we often find ourselves wondering, "What do I want now?" Questions from our depths are shunned because they require self-denial and perseverance.

Although some of us are willing to forgo the "instant" part of "instant gratification," we find gratification hard to ignore.  One of the primary reasons is not so much our hedonism, but our desperation.  It is pain that drives us more than pleasure.  It is emptiness that scares us more than just missing out on something fun.  Unfortunately gratification only puts off pain and emptiness and then intensifies them, only to make us go back to gratification once again.

The Real Need

Instant gratification reveals our fear of the depths.  We may flock to intelligent people and gifted people, hoping to find some way out of superficiality.  We want answers.  We want wonders.  These do not pull us out of our tailspin, however.  Intelligence without depth only justifies our empty superficiality.  Wonders without depth dazzle the eyes and ears, but do not touch the soul.  This is not a new problem:

Jews demand signs and Greeks seek wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and folly to Gentiles, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God.  (1 Corinthians 1:22-24, ESV)

The depravity we face today is one of superficiality.  It is the sign of our inward decay, our corruption.  This is one mode of perishing.  "God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."  (John 3:16)  The life we are meant to live is a deep life, a life like God's.  The apostle Paul describes such life: "We do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day."  (2 Corinthians 4:16)  Instead of inward decay and corruption, we can find continual inward renewal.

The Celebration of Discipline, then, is the celebration of a deeper life, one of continual renewal.  The disciplines described are the ways in which Jesus and his followers live a deeper life.  We may approach them wrongly and superficially, as I have, and find them wanting.  But we will not be able to approach a deeper life without them.  Disciplines go beyond deep thinking and deep feeling and "meaningful" action into deep living.  Deep people are people who live from the depths of themselves and of God.  Disciplines are the practice and enjoyment of that deeper life.

Circumcision: Cutting Away the Old You

I heard a sermon from Romans on circumcision yesterday.  It was a good analysis of the passage.  Mark does a good job with that.

I believe Paul was addressing believers in Rome and not Jews in the second chapter.  He is using the argument to prevent believers, particularly Jewish ones, from falling into the pitfalls of self-righteousness.  I don't think he is so concerned with Jews as with Judiazers, those who would weaken or dismantle trust in Christ with the traditions and rules of Judaism.

In verses 25-29 Paul says:

Circumcision has value if you observe the law, but if you break the law, you have become as though you had not been circumcised. So then, if those who are not circumcised keep the law’s requirements, will they not be regarded as though they were circumcised? The one who is not circumcised physically and yet obeys the law will condemn you who, even though you have the written code and circumcision, are a lawbreaker.

A person is not a Jew who is one only outwardly, nor is circumcision merely outward and physical.  No, a person is a Jew who is one inwardly; and circumcision is circumcision of the heart, by the Spirit, not by the written code. Such a person’s praise is not from other people, but from God.

 I like the contrasts Paul uses in 28-29 to talk about being a Jew inwardly versus being one outwardly.  Three things mark a real Jew (and by extension, a real follower of God in Christ), circumcision of the heart, circumcision by the Spirit, and receiving praise from God.  Paul explains circumcision for the believer even more clearly in Colossians 2:

In him you were also circumcised with a circumcision not performed by human hands. Your whole self ruled by the flesh was put off when you were circumcised by Christ, having been buried with him in baptism, in which you were also raised with him through your faith in the working of God, who raised him from the dead. (vv. 11-12)

Circumcision is the putting off, the cutting off of the flesh in the life of the believer.  This happens at through regeneration ("you were raised with him") which starts a process that continues throughout the life of a believer ("through your faith") as the old, dead part of their life is removed and replaced with a new, glorious life ("the working of God").

Roughly speaking, Christ's circumcision was performed in his death.  The flesh was removed from him.  He received a new body no longer affected by the flesh - mere temporary human effort and ability.  The circumcised life is one lived without dependence on the flesh, but dependence on God.  The fleshly life is cut away leaving a mark of God's work on that life.

This dependence on God, then is characterized by the three things above.  First, it operates from the center of one's being rather than merely on the surface.  The circumcision must cut deeply enough to bring about a change of heart rather than just a change of behavior.  It works from the inside out.

Second, it is surrounded by things that cannot be explained with normal behavior or circumstances.  Circumcision by the written code or letter is one of mere agreement and profession, but only brings obligation and shame.  Such circumcision ends up cutting again and again, trying to make sure it is proved and real.  Circumcision by the Spirit is a changed and changing life, operating with confidence and power evident through the work of the Spirit.  It defies explanation and brings healing and a salvation without regret.

Third, this dependence on God runs on the affirmation from God himself over and against the approval or disapproval of people.  Circumcision that brings the praise of people is based on behavior and credentials.  It must be done the "right way" to count and receive the right praise and approval.  Circumcision that brings God's praise and approval is simply indicated by a changed heart, that is, one that is joyfully obedient and loving toward God.  It may or may not have the right credentials or behaviors with it.

This circumcised life which brings each person into the community of Christ is not done by the person themselves, but is accepted by the person.  The old way of life must be cut off and the new life in Christ must be accepted and lived.  Otherwise, it will be as with the Jews that Paul spoke of: "You have become as though you had not been circumcised."  This new life must be met with a trust that matches it.  It must be embraced and lived from the heart, by the Spirit, and to the praise of God.

Your Time Has Come - The Good News of Belonging

At the center of my heart is this place that hurts to be recognized.  One time I was lost in a crowd for a while.  When I saw a face I recognized I was overcome with relief, even giddy joy.  It is not just the familiarity, but just a small sense of belonging that comes with that recognition.  Someone looks at you and knows you and accepts you.

I have been placed in an immense crowd called humanity.  It stretches over the earth and over time.  I find it easy to get lost.  With those little (and not so little) rejections, belonging becomes precious.  Sometimes for the sake of belonging a person can forsake all reason and law.  All left behind for the sake of belonging somewhere with someone.

Perhaps this is what lies at the heart of our obsession with romance.  Perhaps even to belong for a short time, just a date, just one night, we would sacrifice anything.  In those moments a person might find at least distraction or may actually stumble on someone who really "loves" them and will stay with them a while.

When I hear the gospel of Jesus as recorded in Mark 1:15 start with "The time has come," I hear him say, "Your time has come."  No doubt much of what he meant was that God had picked the perfect moment for this good news to makes its appearance on earth.  A time that was ripe for him to overcome so much evil and bring so much good.  No doubt he meant much bigger things than just singling me out for this message.

And yet, could Jesus have also meant something in his message for each person?  "The time has come for you, Matt.  My Father has seen that it is now time for you to make your appearance in human history.  He has great plans and great hopes for you."  Maybe even his hearers understood the gravity of his pronouncement of the greatness of the coming moments of the Messiah but also heard in this man from Nazareth a compelling invitation: "Your time has come.  You belong to God.  You belong with me."

It would not be the first time I have overpersonalized something.  I am likely to take everything personally unfortunately.  God's plans certainly do not revolve around me, but they certainly don't drive over me either.  The one who set  up the universe also had me and every other person in mind.  So I don't think it impossible that people heard Jesus say "You time has come.  Come with me.  You belong with me and I am here for you."

The time had come for the world, yet it hated and rejected him.  Government and religion joined hands with Satan to perform the most horrific blasphemy of all time: the crucifixion of Jesus.  Jesus knew the time had come for the world to have its way.  But his message was not just about that surely.  Surely he looked at the disciples who would follow him to death, the women who would humble themselves before him, the children who would clamor to be blessed and said, "Your time has come.  I am calling you.  My Father and I will take you in."

Maybe Jesus says to each of us, "Your time has come.  You have meaning, purpose, and great things to do.  You can't do it alone.  Come with me and I will always be with you."  The tyranny of the world which makes its mark by rejection and condemnation is over.  Now Jesus has come with a new place for each of us to belong: at his side.  The world will still reject us, but now we have that face we can look into that deeply knows us and lovingly accepts us.  My time has come.  I belong.

What is the Kingdom of God?

First of all, we must shed the idea of kingdom as a realm or a people when trying to understand the kingdom of God.  It is first and foremost God's rule and action as George Eldon Ladd, a professor of New Testament Exegesis writes:

We must ask the most fundamental question: What is the meaning of " kingdom"? The modern answer to this question loses the key of meaning to this ancient Biblical truth. In our western idiom, a kingdom is primarily a realm over which a king exercises his authority. Not many kingdoms remain in our modern world with its democratic interests; but we think of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland as the original group of countries which recognize the Queen as their sovereign. The dictionary follows this line of thought by giving as its first modern definition, "A state or monarchy the head of which is a king; dominion; realm."

The second meaning of a kingdom is the people belonging to a given realm. The Kingdom of Great Britain may be thought of as the citizens over whom the Queen exercises her rule, the subjects of her kingdom.

The exclusive application of either of these two ideas to the Biblical teaching of the Kingdom leads us astray from a correct understanding of the Biblical truth. The English dictionary itself makes this mistake when it gives as the theological definition of the kingdom, "The spiritual realm having God as its head." This definition cannot do justice to the verses which speak of the coming of the Kingdom in outward glory and power when Christ returns. On the other hand, those who begin with the idea of a future realm inaugurated by the return of Christ cannot do justice to the sayings about the Kingdom as a present spiritual reality.

Furthermore, those who begin with the idea of the Kingdom as a people base their definition upon the identity of the Kingdom with the Church, and for this there is very little scriptural warrant.

We must set aside our modern idiom if we are to understand Biblical terminology. At this point Webster's dictionary provides us with a clue when it gives as its first definition: "The rank, quality, state, or attributes of a king; royal authority; dominion; monarchy; kingship. Archaic." From the viewpoint of modern linguistic usage, this definition may be archaic; but it is precisely this archaism which is necessary to understand the ancient Biblical teaching. The primary meaning of both the Hebrew word malkuth in the Old Testament and of the Greek word basileia in the New Testament is the rank, authority and sovereignty exercised by a king. A basileia may indeed be a realm over which a sovereign exercises his authority; and it may be the people who belong to that realm and over whom authority is exercised; but these are secondary and derived meanings. First of all, a kingdom is the authority to rule, the sovereignty of the king. (The Gospel of the Kingdom. George Eldon Ladd. Wm. B. Eerdmans Pub. Co. Grand Rapids, MI. 1959. Pages 13-23.

Second, we find that the words associated with God's kingdom are not ones of building, bringing, or making it happen, but receiving, seeing, and entering it.  Again, Ladd speaks to this:

The supernatural character of the present Kingdom is confirmed by the words found in association with it. A number of verbs are used with the Kingdom itself as the subject.

The Kingdom can draw near to men (Matt. 3:2; 4:17; Mark 1:15; etc.); it can come (Matt. 6:10; Luke 17:20; etc.), arrive (Matt. 12:28), appear (Luke 19:11), be active (Matt. 11:12). God can give the Kingdom to men (Matt. 21:43; Luke 12:32), but men do not give the Kingdom to one another. Further, God can take the Kingdom away from men (Matt. 21:43), but men do not take it away from one another, although they can prevent others from entering it. Men can enter the Kingdom (Matt. 5:20; 7:21; Mark 9:47; 10:23; etc.), but they are never said to erect it or to build it. Men can receive the Kingdom (Mark 10:15; Luke 18:17), inherit it (Matt. 25:34), and possess it (Matt. 5:4), but they are never said to establish it. Men can reject the Kingdom, i.e., refuse to receive it (Luke 10:11) or enter it (Matt. 23:13), but they cannot destroy it. They can look for it (Luke 23:51), pray for its coming (Matt. 6:10), and seek it (Matt. 6:33; Luke 12:31), but they cannot bring it. Men may be in the Kingdom (Matt. 5:19; 8:11; Luke 13:29; etc.), but we are not told that the Kingdom grows. Men can do things for the sake of the Kingdom (Matt. 19:12; Luke 18:29) but they are not said to act upon the Kingdom itself. Men can preach the Kingdom (Matt. 10:7; Luke 10:9), but only God can give it to men (Luke 12:32)  (The Presence of the Future. George Eldon Ladd. Wm. B. Eerdmans Pub. Co. Grand Rapids, MI. Page 193.) (Italics mine.)

Dallas Willard has a good way of putting it:

The Kingdom of God is God reigning. It is present wherever what God wants done is done. It is the range of God’s effective will. God’s reign is all around you and is from “everlasting to everlasting” — it is the natural home of the soul. Matthew uses the term the Kingdom of the Heavens to emphasize that the Kingdom of God is not far off and way later but is immediately and directly accessible to us through Jesus Christ.

And so we find that Jesus's message of "Repent and believe the good news, the kingdom of heaven is at hand" is not about the kingdom that is about to happen or come, but one that is accessible now.  The good news is about how we can join Jesus in the kingdom through trusting him in our daily lives.

The Gospel of the Kingdom

Dallas Willard interview with Keith Giles in 2005

Keith Giles- “Dallas, can you explain the difference between the Gospel of the Kingdom and the more popular, Gospel of the Atonement for us?”

Dallas Willard – “The Gospel of the Kingdom is that you can now live in the Kingdom of God and the Gospel of the Atonement is that your sins can be forgiven. Those are the, respective, ‘Good Newses’, I suppose.”

KG- “So, are you saying there are two Gospels? Are my sins not forgiven if I live in the Kingdom? Or am I not in the Kingdom of God if I accept the Gospel of the Atonement?”

DW- “The way it practically works out is this, if you have the Gospel of the Atonement, and that’s all you’ve heard, the rest of your life you will run on your own and you may or may not think of being a disciple of Jesus or of obeying him or of devoting your life to the Kingdom of God. You can still do that, but those things are all optional for you. That is where we really stand in our Christian culture today. Anything more than forgiveness of sins, and by that I mean ‘Heaven when you die’, is optional and most of our professed believers now do not know that they can live in the Kingdom of God now.

“By contrast, anyone who is alive in the Kingdom of God now knows that their sins are forgiven because they have the life of Heaven in them now. So Heaven and forgiveness are natural parts of the Gospel of the Kingdom of God whereas discipleship and holiness and power and other scriptural evidences are not a natural part of the Gospel of the Atonement. I want to emphasize that sense of being a natural part.

“Here’s one of the ways I try to help ministers understand this difference. I ask them, ‘Does the Gospel you preach truly lead to discipleship to Jesus?’ and the Gospel of the Kingdom has that natural connection. It’s not trusting the Kingdom, it’s about trusting Jesus and living in the Kingdom with Him. So then, for example, the New Birth is the birth from above and as Jesus was telling Nicodemus, “You must be born again..”, now that’s about new life that isn’t just Atonement. One of the strange things that has happened is that verses like John 3:16 is treated as if it were a forgiveness verse whereas it is really a new life verse. The whole context is about having the life of The Kingdom. Nicodemus came saying he could see it and Jesus said, ‘No, you can’t see it’, and helped him to understand why he couldn’t.

“So, it’s the idea of a natural part of The Kingdom containing forgiveness, and if you’re trusting Jesus, and not just his death on the cross alone, but the person of Jesus, then life in the Kingdom comes with that and, as a natural part, also comes discipleship, forgiveness, all of the things that any good theology would cover.”

(Full Article by Dallas Willard here)