Made by God and Loving It

It is not an abstraction called Humanity that is to be saved.  It is you, . . . your soul, and in some sense yet to be understood, even your body, that was made for the high and holy place.  All that you are. . . every fold and crease of your individuality was devised to fit God as a glove fits a hand.  All that intimate particularity which you are can hardly grasp yourself, much less communicate to your fellow creatures, is no mystery to Him.  He made those ins and outs that He might fill them.  Then He gave your soul so curious a life because it is the key designed to unlock that door, of all the myriad doors in Him.  (C. S. Lewis, penciled in the flyleaf of his copy of von Hugel's Eternal Life)

What if Lewis was writing not to some imaginary hearer, but to himself?  What if he was reminding himself of his particular worth to God?

I could see myself doing this.  I spent a long time in college saying to myself, "I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made and Your works are wonderful."  (Psalm 139:14)  I guess that shows one of my struggles: low self-esteem.

Yet even that low self-esteem has been a place where God can grow something.  My self-loathing exposed to the light of my loving wife and kids brings me pain.  I realize that I "enjoy" it in some strange way, but in the eyes of my family it becomes something terrible and hurtful.

Self-examination and honesty are good.  I guess there is a limit, though.  The limit is where I want to determine my own identity on my own, rather than in the loving arms of God.  I have been long in avoiding him.  It's time to fall.

Lord, why do I try so hard to figure it out on my own?  Why do I purposely plug my ears to your help and encouragement?  Forgive me.  I am tired of being a self-made martyr.  Make me lie down in your green pastures, lead me beside your still waters, restore my soul.  Amen.